Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
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Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
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Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
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Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
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Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
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Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
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Me: I’m not surprised
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ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
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I went to the candle store today.
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Me: *steadies eyes*
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Me: *narrows eyes*
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Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
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