@juliussharpe: My wife wants to have another kid. That's like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, "I think we better turn around."
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@Dutch_50: Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
@weirdralph: The next time someone says "expect the unexpected," I'm going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.
@HomeProbably: Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone's calling me and glare at it until it goes away.