Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
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FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
There is wisdom there.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person