[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
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did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.