my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
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Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
WHO DID THIS?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
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