Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
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Air conditioning – not a fan
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Mouse
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.