Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
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I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
my favorite genre of twitter
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist