My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
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“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
😂😂
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Sharon I have some bad news
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes