My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
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My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.