@kyle_thatisall: My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
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@RealLucasNeff: The ocean isn't shark-infested. It's the ocean. That's where sharks live. We aren't supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.
@BitchyJasmine: My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen. :)
@dlockw21: Therapist: Talk about your friends. Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine... T: That's a Billy Joel song. Me: You're no fun.
@Social_Mime: Cop - Have you been drinking? Me - No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here. Cop - Sir that's a fire hydrant.