My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
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I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.