My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
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[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.