My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
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Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
oh my god
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.