@Rockenden: My yard is full of bear traps cos I'm a bit weird about sharing milkshake.
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@ibid78: [interview for CIA] Your résumé says you're a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or- *I've already thrown a wombat at his face*
@XplodingUnicorn: I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
@SweetTweetsBRO: The worst feeling ever is when you miss someone but you can't even tell them you miss them because they are alcohol.