My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
You Might Also Like
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!