new shirt idea
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Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.