Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
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After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.