Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
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me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
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SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Who’s your best friend?