Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
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Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*