Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
You Might Also Like
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
beware of dog
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting