[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
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[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
anyone else like Italian cereal
🌱🌱🌱
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
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Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.