IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?