Home is where your toilet is.
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You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles