My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
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With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
How dude HOW?!
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad