@dlockw21: Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
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@Michael1979: Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not "free ducks" and you're NOT allowed to take one
@AndrewChamings: [having sex] this is the best sex I've ever had her: ok let's take your bike helmet off tho
@moose_chocolate: The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.
@mattZillaaaa: My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them