Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
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Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over