“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
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My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on