Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
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women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Britain be like
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything