@stevevsninjas: Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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@llvvzz: Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren't phony enough for Facebook but aren't edgy enough for Twitter.
@ibid78: [me] if all dogs go to heaven, then what about Cujo? [the pope] how did you get into my bathroom?
@iwearaonesie: coworker: Do you want a plate? me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
@CynicalLongkat: Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you're talking about or are they from the internet?