@stevevsninjas: Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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@philandher96: Trying to make pancakes this morning and it turns out I didn't get the spatula in the divorce.
@Cheeseboy22: I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
@EndhooS: [Interview] "Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?" [flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter] ..Yes.
@MouthOfSass: Just found some clothes my ex left here. Perfect timing since I'm out of toilet paper.