[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
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I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
yeah 😭
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I like long walks away from everyone
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared