[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
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“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I am having an out of money experience.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
“No way.” -Jose
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Am I having a stroke?
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair