@izrigrod: Naming your cat "Whiskers" is like naming your kid "Eyebrows."
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@tchrquotes: There's no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That's why it's called faith.
@edgarrants: The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you 'randomly fall asleep' in the middle of a conversation.
@sixfootcandy: Kid: How did you meet daddy? Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion...