@izrigrod: Naming your cat "Whiskers" is like naming your kid "Eyebrows."
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@Kalarlis: When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write "HELP ME" while maintaining eye contact
@Dutch_50: I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
@Ygrene: [Murderer in the middle of murdering me] Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I'm murdering you I mean really