@izrigrod: Naming your cat "Whiskers" is like naming your kid "Eyebrows."
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@armyVet1972: Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I'm nervous. *vomits* HR guy: Umm…you sure about that? Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I'm just super drunk right now
@ShutUpThatsWho: Freddie Mercury: I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I'M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY