No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
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I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Every damn time
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.