Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
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Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.