I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
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me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
worst…sale…ever
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Woke up against my better judgement again
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares