@timdonakowski: Naming your child “Roger” is fine, until you have to tell someone about it over a two-way radio.
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@charliedelta7: I taught my son how to spell beer so he'd stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
@trevso_electric: take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.