Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
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“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My plans: 2020:
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?