@StephenBCramer: Nana's house is getting real bad, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.
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@kelkulus: When I get to somebody's house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
@onion_an: Son: Dad can sand melt? Me putting down my glass: Don't be ridiculous of course it can't
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Teen: Your brows are on fleek! Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek. Teen: Thanks! Me: God damn it.
@GibJimson: [at pet store] Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.