To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
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A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
i could never be president. im overqualified.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Good morning.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom