[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR