NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
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Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?