[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
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My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?