” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
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What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*