Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
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Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
The photographer’s assistant
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high