*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
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[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands