shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
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Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”