Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
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I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.