Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”