In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
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Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*