When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
and now we wait
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
how high up are we talkin’?
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.