Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
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Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time