@robdelaney: Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week :(
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@markedly: To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
@DaddyJew: Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances? Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours Cop: get outta here
@KimmyMonte: A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you're at it, why don't you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
@AlmightyBored: Me: I'm eating for two now. Him: Oh, are you pregnant? Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?