need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
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Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now