i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
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Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside