Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
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I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.