@Whitnuts: Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
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@capricecrane: Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
@daemonic3: *wakes up early on weekend *makes 12 pancakes *wakes kids up "Daddy, can we have waffles today???" *eats 12 pancakes
@perlapell: Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to "your place", take him to Target.
@salamingia: Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone! Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don't you have work to do?