@Whitnuts: Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
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@TheToddWilliams: [waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I? "Don't worry. You're home in America" But…I'm Swedish! "World Emperor Trump will explain everything"
@brianbowman73: Her: How would you describe that green sheep? Me: I don't know. Olive ewe? Her: I knew you'd say it first! I love you too! Entrapment 101
@Brianhopecomedy: *takes selfie, sends to wife* Wife: "No." *takes pants off* *tries on another pair in The Gap change room* *takes selfie, sends to wife*