Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
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[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Saturday
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Note to self: I am a note
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*