NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
You Might Also Like
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
A great tip. #CakeRex
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.